It's a sad sad life!

courtesy of desicomments.com

As we progress through the year 2011, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.


I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while watching porn of his lappie.

I can’t sleep well in any of the highland resort's many hotels knowing that more bodies of foreign prostitutes may be planted under the bed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive part of the inheritance promised to me by a kind African penpal.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I can’t have a drink in any of KL's clubs because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone or have a bottle stuck up my rear.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and disinfect raw meats.

I no longer pump petrol without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies nor have a carefree run on the beach because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls nor banks because someone will either pukau (perform black magic) or drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..

I no longer buy cookies from Famous Amos Sg. Wang since I now have their recipe.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a 50cent coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by a poisonous tropical spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large Klang crow with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 neighbourhood cats will infest your body. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . .


Oh, by the way…..


A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.


P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

Any more newfound phobias you'd like to share?







"Walk on a trail of loving kindness
Walk on a path of compassion
And all else around you will be beautiful."
Every Blessing